Emotionally, I feel like maybe I’ve just been through the ringer these past couple of weeks. I feel not much had really happened in the physical realm, but enough is coming up in me that it feels like just so so much has happened. Everything feels heightened some how..
I feel the conversations I’m having with people seem extra deep and I am so extra present with them.
I told you I went to church the other day for the first time since I was like ten, and I can also count on one hand the amount of times I’ve ever stepped into a church for Sunday Service. Two of my best friends in the universe have expressed, if I ever felt up to it, how it would mean the world to them if I were to attend with them. I finally made the call and was granted the Sunday morning off. I would work all day Saturday on the bar shut down the restaurant at about one AM and wake up at like 730, to be ready to attend the service at 930, and come back to my restaurant for 330. I reminded myself that Monday I could sleep all I like.
Well late Saturday night, after a particularly grueling day, I began connecting with one of our newest servers who quickly has become etched into my heart. She is something wild to me, knowing what she has had to endure in her life. My boss let slip some pretty big things about her before she even started with her. And I just loved her instantly.
She wanted to chill and smoke after work so that we could really talk, and I really knew I had wanted to go home and go straight to bed so I could be as rested as possible for the service, but it was just one of those things where I was feeling God in that conversation with her. It felt as powerful as anything just being present and listening to her story; me telling my story after her asking to hear it, I can’t remember the last time someone asked to hear my story. Universe must have agreed with me about the bigness and importance of prioritizing that conversation with her as well, because even though I went to bed at like just around 4, I woke up just a single moment before my alarm went off at 730, wide awake.
Church was lovely but what was striking were the smaller interactions. Just sinking into the moment and really being with these people when they are with me. Observing them as they sang their sweet songs, wrists to the heavens, My sweet loves. M and G and G’s sweet little baby, her man so present and supportive. The smell of that sweet baby as I nuzzled up to his sweet cheek, and I did the same to G’s mother as we sat next to extra other and were encouraged by the Pastor to engage. My heart over flows! Bless them all! I am so honored to be connected to every single one of them.
I hope to bring more of this energy into my home life. I feel here is where I take the mask off or who knows, maybe I’m putting it on, but I feel it’s so easy for me to get short and snappy here these days. Maybe I ought to walk more. Just to be by myself. Sometimes though I get passive aggresive about that, because I wish other people were doing similar things. and I am just too….. I don’t know. I wish I was a little more patient with certain people. People who probably need the most love, out of all the people in my life, I am often feeling the sharpest to.
I feel all my emotions are just like, heightened right now. When I’m annoyed I feel extra annoyed, when I feel happy, I feel blissful. I suppose I just need to be present and feel all of these feelings, and try to maintain the widest perspective. I can feel where I need to soften. I am my own greatest teacher. Just listen. Just be present. Take a deep breath. Take a shower. Take a walk.
No need to fret. It’s okay to feel human. All is well.
Wisdom Spitball 