fucking nuts right now to be completely honest.
Wow. I wonder if maybe I am just all of a sudden being humbled and being shown that I am kind of fucking insane. Like. Okay.
This morning I went to church for the first time since I was a child, since I don’t even remember. We were never really a church-going family, and my step mom tried to take us a few times but no habit or ritual ever came out of it. Religion was almost shaped after that by the people around me. I had some church-going friends and I didn’t really think twice about their hobbies, and actually in time, I developed kind of a stigma against church as I had a lot a friends who were very against all kinds of religion and everything to do with it. I suppose I was more impressionable than I realized and I never got the urge to go, and kindly rejected or let fall away any offers to join in the fun.
Well as we know, if you’ve been following allow with my story, which, bless your sweet heart babe, thank you for being here- I have really started to consciously follow this path of my spirituality, my spirit and soul, the voice of my guts and the flow of the universe. I have been really, I think, seeking that beyond all else. And I think that which I am seeking, sometimes feels like a hole more than anything, and I have some inherent patterns of trying to fill that space with men and sex and love and probably weed and food… but I am learning that even when I keep coming back to those empty feelings, I’m just being shown the answers are lying else where: within.
Within this Oneness- this space we all share, even we are clouded. I know and feel it exists deeper and more beautiful than we can ever perceive and I think this oneness is is God. I think this might have been what Jesus was pointing too. Maybe all religions; all fingers pointing to the same thing, God and divinity in all that is. I don’t know anything about anything and I never read the bible so don’t quote me on any of this.
I told myself if I had any reservations during the service, I could replace the word “God” in my mind with “Universe” “Oneness” or “Source” or whatever word I like to sort of pull it back to what makes me the most comfortable. I’m just trying to stay open here. Who knows, maybe this could be good for me! If the world is my teacher, like I truly believe it is, and everyone has something to teach me, and if I am constantly finding that I’m completely unsatisfied in the realms I tend to looks for emotional and spiritual fulfillment, could I not benefit from giving this the old college try? Is it out of my comfort zone, yes, but these are people may be talking about the same shit I’m talking about; maybe they are just coming at it from different angles. If I stay open to these perspective, I could learn so so much here..
I talk about listening to the universe and listening to the signs, and two of my best friends who held me in a moment of despair, who I know love me unconditionally, have offered this opportunity to me on a platter, “This is here for you babe, if you want it. No pressure.”
So I went today! And it was really really quite a lovely day- the sun was shining the birds were singing their lovely spring songs, everything was resonating. Even though I only got three and a half hours of sleep the night before, it was truly lovely to be awake to see that time of day. The service was heart-felt and emotional and warm and the people were so welcoming and bright. I was happy to have gone and I even I took an extra long drive home so I could cruise to the music and now I am home and now for some un-Godly reason the sound of crunching next to me seems infuriating! What a flip! Am I being shown areas where I need to soften? Yes! I’m sure of it.
Oh but dear God though, I am my mother’s daughter. Bless her resting soul, I have to note that my sister and I never hung out in the living room with her growing up; that was her space and she hated messiness and the sound of us chewing in her ear and us slurping up our noodles and boy oh boy do I feel that now. I’m missing my own last apartment where I was able to be a hermit at a moments notice, and now I am asked to be here with another, feeling their energy when I could just be by myself.
And God it was so nice to hear E last night. That’s why I got to bed so late.. I closed down the bar last night, than had this deep emotional conversation with this literal soul sister of mine who has just come into my life and she was just so damn kind and encouraged me to tell her my entire story and I just, was so taken aback and appreciative to be given the time and the space to tell my story. And to just be, to feel- uhg, so seen! So heard! And I don’t like to complain and I’m here for my spot in life and I can totally do this. I am a reed, I am moved by the universe. And I know that I am here for this, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fucking hard sometimes. It’s hard not to want to be a bitch and have my own space and want things and people and situations to be a certain way, and you try and be a great person and take steps back to get to your roots and heal and face your demons and keep learning and growing through it and still try to be positive and kind and see the best in people and and man… its just nice to have someone give you that Mom energy of like, “Oh, you sweet babe, look at how much you’ve had to endure, look at how strong you’ve been. You deserve the world and it will come to you” and embrace you like that. Especially when you just feel you always are the strong one. And especially when you don’t feel so strong…
Little addition, a day later in a moment of calm: I think church was good for me. And I think I’ll keep going. My sweet love, G (one of our trio of girls who attended together and who held me that day of my most recent break down) is getting baptized with her boyfriend and her son and she believes that it might be more than just one of the most special days of her life, and so I am grateful that the universe reconnected us through her church, in order for me to be there for one of the biggest days of their life. I am honored. I am so truly honored. I’ll let you know how it goes. I love you so dearly and I hope you find moments to feel how you are thriving.
Wisdom Spitball 