Probably what I need is to just be present and feel however it is I feel. Good or bad.
How do I feel?
Forgive me if this becomes just a dialogue with myself… but if I’m not gonna use this space for anything else, I might as well spill my truth out here, even if it’s weird or incomprehensible to you. I just. I want to be real. This is just how I feel. I need to write, and I need to stop judging myself about what I write at every junction.
Overall I feel like maybe I need to be focused more on all that I have to be grateful for. It’s so much; I have so so much… there’s always something to be grateful for…. but I just feel like I’m feeling yucky. I feel like in a rut or a fog…
I feel sucked into a spiral of doubts about my not doing enough for myself and my world. And I guess I’m acting like it’s my job to pull myself out of this funk and feel better and I’m just sucking at it. But maybe that will just happen when it’s time. I don’t usually rush to clean up the fog, I just wait for it to pass… so maybe this too will pass; maybe I just need to sit with it. Here is me sitting with and observing the fog.
I guess, it’s just that… I don’t know, well, do I really do enough? I know that’s a common doubt… there are so many the perfectionists out there, so many go-getters… and I feel like, in my spiritual studies, I keep being told that we should slow down and we don’t need to work so hard. But what if my doubts about myself are true? I don’t feel like I’m even close to being a perfectionist… I often feel lazy by comparison if anything. What if I’m not doing enough? What if I am lazy and impatient? I feel like I should be eating better and working out more, and working on this blog more, and making art more, and different kinds of art even, and I shouldn’t feel so violently irritated about our family cat recently deciding to defecate and piss all over the house at every opportunity, and I should already have my taxes done and I should have more patience in general and I should just be better. So I ask myself, why not just do it? Just be better! And why does that seem like such an offensive request of my myself?! And like, what the hell!? I don’t want to do more! I feel like I do a lot! And more than enough! And I’m doing my best, goddamn it. I want someone to tell me that my best is more than enough…. but I feel like I’m getting signs like I should do better. And I feel annoyed that, and that seems like a burden.
I slept with someone the other night… and I’m a little regretful of it. I left work late at night to meet him and I rushed into it, because some part of me was trying to convince myself that it would be fun and maybe it could be just what I needed and it would just fix everything (yeah right) and honestly, even thought he was at the top of his game, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be… and I guess… some part of me was expecting that night to make me feel lifted up and I don’t think it helped at all. He was at his best and I’m grateful for the experience with him but the drive home that morning felt like the “walk of shame” for me.
I was actually surprised to observe myself completely break down in tears as I drove out to the city to catch up with two of my girls the next afternoon and it was pretty much waterworks for me for the remainder of the evening. I felt like so much raw emotion was coming up. And it didn’t even seem logical, my reaction. Like when I tried to explain to my girls why I was so upset, I just felt like my words and the story didn’t fully match what I was experiencing inside. Those girls were so supportive none the less, bless them… they blanketed me in love, I can still feel M’s nails lightly scratching my back as I tried to articulate my emotions through my 6th bundle of wet, crumpled-up tissue.
In the week since, I have witnessed so much magic and continue to feel abundance and blessings from the universe around me in multiple ways, and yet here I am bumming over dumb shit…
I lost my phone the other night, like really lost it. Pretty sure it’s dead on the ground somewhere from flying off the roof of my car, so I had to get a new phone and all my worries were true that it was not as simple as one could hope to get me logged back into all my accounts, in fact I still have to wait like 3 hours just to see the home screen of this new phone. I was trying to be excited about the new technology, but I feel burdened with dealing with trials and tribulations of getting set up again paired with the feeling of potentially losing a lot of, what feels like, important stuff on the other phone…
And I haven’t even looked at my taxes yet this year… And now the dead line is approaching and who knows if I will even be able to log into Turbo tax. I feel like I should have been better or more organized or more prepared for this.
And in all these random tarot card readings I’ve gotten over the past few months, I am being told that I ought to be wiser about my money. And again, I feel I’m not doing enough.
And I should have been more patient and I feel I probably shouldn’t have hooked up with that guy…. I rushed into it like I was running away from something and it was just sex, and it didn’t fill my soul up. Deep down I knew that would be the case because I know in my heart I’m seeking something deeper, some source, something sacred. Something in me. And sex is just sex when there’s no soul… I don’t feel like anything about that night was sacred…
But it is though… and I have to remember that. It’s all sacred.
Just like the fog, and the sun and the rain, and darkness and light, and sadness and joy, it’s ALL LIFE. It’s all sacred. We can only be here. And observe. And learn and grow.
I just want to be true all of these these spiritual lessons I feel like I had been learning in my books- that by doing “nothing” you actually accomplish more, and there’s no need to push at all, and all I really need to do is be present, and just let things happen. I am a reed in the breeze. Maybe G is right that I just need to give this to God, because I do feel like it’s too much for me to handle on my own. I feel like I am constantly doing my best to show up for the world, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.. even though today I definitely don’t feel like I showed up at all for the universe; I greedily took today for me, and sorrowfully, all I’m doing with my time is waiting on baited breath for this damn email from Apple so I can reset my password and get my ass logged into this friggin phone and maybe I can watch some tarot card reading TikTok clips and try and maybe get logged into Turbo Tax so I can be a responsible adult and feel better about my life and my choices.
It’s all sacred.
Just be here.
Wisdom Spitball 