So yeah. That happened… and it was bad. Real bad.
I don’t even know what you call it… I just felt straight violated.
I’ve been single for quite a little while now so I was sleeping pretty soundly by myself the other night in my own little room thinking everything was going along swimmingly in my sweet little life…
and yeah… I woke up and checked my phone like normal and my body started crawling with adrenaline when I saw a slew of messages from an unrecognized number filled with so much hate and vile words towards me and about my body…
There was like a slew of messages and a few pictures of me-
as full and as naked as the day I came out of my Momma…
It honestly took me quite a while to process all of these messages calling me a cow and just a bunch of other hateful names, and the pictures were like, dude so hard to look at… and I mean, taken without my consent, for one, and to put it bluntly. They were hard to look at and I was just filling up with such darkness and emotion. I didn’t know what to do.
I had this one ex I dated and I thought he was one thing but he turned out to be something entirely different and when I ended things, he took it pretty harshly. All things considered, I had believed that I had gotten out of everything relatively unscathed…I was overall grateful and I hadn’t heard anything from him in a while so I thought I was in the clear…
That’s to say it was even him who sent me that messages. But the pictures were for sure stolen from when him and I were intimate together. He must have just been acting like he was texting and just took the pictures without my knowing and either saved them for himself or for black mail or for sharing with people. So either way those pictures are out there.
Dude.
At first. Yes I was completely mortified. Violated. I didn’t know what to do. I just lay in my bed my heart thumping out of my chest as if to get a closer look. Man. Initially I was like… wow… how fucking mean. And I was judging hard the type of person that would send those to me, say those words to me, that would take those pictures with ill intent and use them to try to hurt me.. and then I turned on myself. I was so thick! What horrid pictures! I wanted to judge myself so bad here! The victim!* But these were not snapchat enhanced pictures. I had not a drop of makeup on and… uhg… just naked and thick and pink and hairy.. and it was just such a terrible embarrassing shot and I was worried I felt like a cow like he labeled me. And of course pictures get around. And I just was like.. not even really feeling much in this moment but this goddamn adrenaline and panic.
Okay. So. Delete and block.
Take a few deep breaths. What else can you do?
And I just knew the best reaction was no reaction… for me that that moment. You might not agree. But I think fighting it was not my best course. Though I wanted to freak out, I just needed to sit with it. And sit with myself, and love myself here and now.
I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of a reaction, you know? And also. I love my body and my sweet self the way I love my family, he way I love a temple… I am a soul, a point of infinitely connected consciousness inside of a lumpy little human. I am a human. And a kind and gentle one. And all that that negative stuff tells more about his character than mine. I am okay. He can try to take away my pride or my confidence and he can violate my trust and show the world my squishy little underbelly and all my other regions. He can do that. It is what it is. He will do what he will do. But I won’t give him the satisfaction. He can’t fuck with my perception of myself. He cannot get at my soul.
And look. Yes I have a body. A nice, healthy one. And look. People can try and take advantage of me or make be feel bad about myself or make me feel less than.. And that’s how they were trying to make me feel. And they can do some damage. I won’t lie, I was shaken. To see an image of myself thrown back at me like that with such venom, I was taken back. I felt like I was almost shamed. Almost.
You know what? Barely. And soon, not even at all.
I am not ashamed of this body. If that is what you have cast at me in order to bring me down, man, nice try. I love this body. And if you judge, YOU judge. That’s on you.
*I don’t even want to label myself a victim, because I am so powerful and I would honestly put that on him sooner than I’d put that on me.
I never claimed to have the perfect body. And honestly, I don’t even think it’s worth the energy it takes for me to defend it- truth is eternal and always illuminating. I love my body so goddamn much and no matter what. And I wish peace and growth for you. And I harbor no hate in my heart to you because I deserve happiness and peace and because ultimately, I can see right through you. I know who you are. I hope you heal.
I remain unashamed and I have nothing to hide.
I am me. And I’ll be this way until I die. I mean. If there’s a problem here, it’s yours.
Namaste.
Wisdom Spitball 