I feel so disappointed. I came here to type and maybe try and turn this night into something for myself. I had something sort of ridiculous and terrifying happen to me that is totally inspiration for great writing and now I’m here like berating myself instead of telling my story to you! My bestie wanted to go out tonight and party, and I was also asked on a date this evening to which I also said no. And now I’m half regretting not going out with either one of them and I’m feeling also like since I’m home, I should maybe be painting or drawing instead of writing what I want to write about! Jesus, it’s like I won’t let myself catch a break, no matter what I do!
On the one hand it feels good to stay in and focus on what I want to be focusing on and being all cozy and do little self care activities. But I fear missing out with my girls because I’m sure they are having a blast. Or I’d be upset if they were disappointed I couldn’t come out… And that date, it’s like, he’s cute and sweet and all, and I’m sure I’d have fun enjoying a meal with him. But I just don’t want to hurt his feelings when I inevitably return to hermit mode and end of breaking things off with him. I barely know him and I already don’t want to disappoint him.
And dude, and I was literally just bawling about another ex just yesterday; it just really doesn’t feel like the right time…
But should I be out and living while I’m young? Should I be doing something different than this? Since I’m making this blog shouldn’t I be better at writing..? And what about making other kinds of art, what happened to that? Why does this feel like such a battle with myself? And it’s like, I’m the thing standing in my way…
Man, how exhausting to feel like this.
I just want to do what I want to do without feeling so guilty or feeling like it’s the wrong choice.
After a deep breath and a step back, I am just stoked to be here. I’m grateful for this life, and I’m on a journey to not feel so goddamn guilty for just existing and doing what I want to do. Carrie and I had a big ol’ pizza dinner and I just did some yoga and the house is nice and clean and I am actually here writing now, right? That has to account for something. I’m writing. Boom. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad. I’m speaking my truth. I’m expressing myself in a constructive and healthy way. Dates will come. I will always have friends waiting for me. I will do art when I am moved to do art. Let the energy just flow as it will. Be here now. In this moment, all is well and you are right where you need to be.
Namaste.
Wisdom Spitball 