Hi. I am feeling so choked up in my heart tonight and I already have a million ways I want to start this letter to you. I’m fuzzy on a title for this one… I kind of wanted to call it, “an ode to him..” because I might be feeling a little choked up in my heart about him. I don’t know… maybe I need to unlock this. I feel like I could cry and I’ll probably be drowning my keyboard by the end of this.
I had a beautiful day today. I slept in forever and moseyed my way around the house and then took myself out on a little date two towns away where my heart always leads me in search of good Mexican food on Mondays, because I always weirdly crave Mexican food on Mondays- its like this very consistent thing- and I forget too often that no single Mexican restaurant (of the three) even close to my area are open on Mondays. I drive my buns out there anyways, on a Monday, forgetting again the situation, with no back up plan for food. I ended up turning around to go home, only a little disappointed as you can only make a mistake so many times before you just have to laugh at yourself, and ended up in the parking lot of this beautiful, little tucked away health-smoothie/ CBD enthusiast/yoga and meditation meet up/ local art hub of a place and got myself the most delectable little drink called a Blue Dream and I just fell in love and was so happy with my little adventure. Then I drive home sipping it slowly but didn’t stop until it was gone watching the sun go down over the rolling hills. I drove back my way and scooped my sister up to go meet our Grandmother and her friend at the local American Legion to play Bingo. I felt a little loopy and tired by the end of the night and I was itchy to move but I had the cutest little time ever and I was so glad we went.
My sister and I came home and relaxed with a while with Momo and all I really wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry out this growing lump in my throat that I had risen in me over the course of our evening despite all the cute little events I’d experienced since dawn, but seeing as tomorrow is Valentine’s day and I feel just a little too deeply drowning in feelings of love and emotion, I decided to stay up as long as I could so as to enjoy being in their presence as long as possible.
And now, here I am. Finally curled up in bed wanting to just dump my soul to you. A small part of me feels embarrassed and like this blog is just cheap or something and- I don’t know- I feel doubts about this blog and about my writing all the time anyways and now I always just feel in spite of that, I just want to dump my guts all over this damn keyboard. I just wish I could do so without feeling so doubtful. I’m already feeling some type of way so those self deprecating thoughts certainly are not helping.
I have this guy that feels sometimes like he’s my kryptonite. Like a drug. My eyes are welling up hard. Will I ever be able to post this? I’m surprised a little at how emotional I feel about this tonight.
Remember all those crazy feelings I have about my guts? I don’t know if I should recap, but you can literally read my last letter called, “Guts” to know more.
Basically, once I had became aware of this inner guide, my gut- the thing that literally took over my literal person to physically move me out of that beautiful yet deeply complicated relationship with that first guy of 7 years, I was never able to think about my “guts” in the same way again. It literally changed me. It’s like I’d become aware of something so integral to my person, my vessel, my energy. I don’t know how to describe it. I felt like my guts had kicked down the door to my perception and would not be ignored any more. Like I had spent a life time sucking in my belly, literally pushing away potentially very important gut feelings, choking out some part of me- I don’t think I was conscious of it! And my gut like gained this super-human strength during and after that meditation and during that breakup- like a woman lifting a car to save her baby- it was wild! And when life calmed down and I had time to reflect, I noticed this peaceful, this relaxed sensation in my belly. Relaxed! I didn’t know I could feel like that- I hadn’t even realized how tense this part of me had been! How desperate!
And then, in my yoga, I would dive deeper into my belly and sometimes my instructor would guide us to take these huge belly breaths, breathing not into the lungs but deep into our core and I would feel my gut rise instead of my chest and I could both feel and hear this wild sensation of my belly- my guts- my middle- all of it, Just opening up! It probably sounds like of like a burp to other people when it happens but its much deeper in me and it just feels.. like it’s opening up! New space in there being made! Taking up more room! Consciously! It feels big and wow… what other words? Expansive.
Enter Boy. I should name him something more respectful for this. As he deserves the world and all the respect. But never the less, enter, Him. Oh God. There is no way I can post this. Haha, I’m not going to be able to tell any of my friends about this!! Not that they don’t already know or have their own takes on this whole thing. I met him at work- (well really once on the beach but then one day he started working with me at the restaurant..) and so when you crush and date in the work place- it’s like. Well, you can guess. It’s like high school. Everybody talks. I need to just press onward and not worry so much about what anyone thinks. They talk about celebrities too.
Either way. I was stuck on this boy. I don’t know how to describe it. ha. Do I really want to talk about all this? Basically he was just the sweetest boy. Man. I think this is just too soon to put all this out there. I don’t want to hurt anyone or anything.
Basically he was just- we were connected. I wanted him. I loved him. But it wasn’t long before I felt my gut was out of alignment. And if he was reading this, he would probably throw his hands up in exasperation. How many time he heard it. I talked about my gut on the first date with him, and I knew on that first date that my gut was like, confused.. and man… how it moved from there…How many times… I literally could not stop going back and forth with this guy. I wanted him so bad and it was like, I really really wanted us to be together and work but… holy fuck man. We’d be playing a video game or going for a drive on a date and I would be having a great time one moment and then overcome by this powerful sick feeling in my gut. It would bring me back to that life-changing vision I had with the man prior. Up out of my gut, through the murky depths below, rose this tangible sentence that I still barely can bring myself to say when not thinking about it in the third person, “I don’t want to be in this relationship any more” and all the horrid sick feelings of hurting someone I love and breaking something that a huge part of me absolutely doesn’t want to break, but that my gut knows is like, the only way. Gut says, “do what you want, but stay here in this relationship and I’m not happy. I won’t say it every second, and maybe one day if you ignore me long enough, I’ll stop trying to tell you how I feel… but I am your gut and I am a part of you, and I don’t feel good about it.” And my stomach lurches and I gag.
And the rest of me is just looking at my guts like…. “but why though….? Would you look at this man?”(tears again) “He’s so sweet and kind and look at how he looks at me and look at his sweet perfect little face and all the terrible traumas he’s endured and look at how much love he deserves. I could give him that love. I could make him happy and make him feel safe and happy and whole. I could love him. I do love him. I want to give everything to make him feel like he deserves magic and I just. I feel so divided from you, guts. I really do..”
“That’s fine.” Replies my belly. “You do whatever you want. I am here. This is how I feel.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too…”
And I go about my little life and I really want to listen to my gut and follow those feelings. But I feel so sucked in by him. So entangled. And I would consider my gut and those big overwhelming moments where all I feel is my gut in my throat and then usually on the full moon I would end up having a big crying session and explain to him how I felt and break things off. And we would go a few days or weeks without talking and then one of us would miss the other and message the other and slowly start getting tugged back together like magnets and I would eventually find myself in his arms, his perfect warm embrace wanting to feel that deep peaceful feeling everywhere and I do, but not everywhere… and gut feels not much here. Gut’s not really looking me in the eyes.. so I rest in my heart space as long as I can just feeling him there loving me and days go by and we go on a date or a trip or a movie or get ice cream or watch a beautiful sun set or go on a hike and there I am in this insanely beautiful moment that I know I will never experience again and I go into fully present mode to enjoy it fully and then gut makes a wail. Some way to get my attention and I feel I have to hide or squash it down, lest I ruin such a beautiful moment. And I ask myself if every beautiful memory with him will be tainted by an image of my happy but my miserable gut sitting in the corner crying. Unsettled. And the moon waxes and my emotions get more wild until a breaking point… and the cycle happens over and over and over again. It was insane how many times we went through that dance. It had to have been around forty times… no joke… And every time he had me, it was like, I always wanted him more! Because he kept being there for my crazy and he still wanted me and he still loved me and I just want to be loved so bad the way he loves me and for us to be each others answers. And I love him and want to love him so bad. And this cycle was so exhausting for me. And I can’t imagine what it felt like for him… horrid. Just horrid.
We found a way to break the cycle when during a break, he finally and realistically started seeing someone else. Another girl I worked with. Which was only karmic as when he started to work with me, he was seeing yet another girl at the restaurant, so that was particularly sucky for me but such is the balance of all things… After that, we went quite a while without talking… eventually, she and him broke up and only recently have we resumed slight friendly and some what flirty check-ins every now and then. We had one back slide after everything happened… and the cycle repeated itself YET AGAIN… he was waiting for it! He told me he knew exactly what was going to happen.. and I ask myself, how can I keep doing this? What is this damn lesson I am supposed to learn? That I should just surrender to my guts needs? Is he a drug or COULD he be my answer? If he was my answer though, wouldn’t my sweet belly feel in alignment and happy?
I had a girl describe the feeling in a Tik Tok tarot reading that was just too oddly intimate… that my soul mate would be someone who was a man of God, and brought me closer to God. That resonated with me.
When I feel aligned with myself and my angels and my passions and gratitude for life, when I am in that flow, I feel close to God. When I’m writing and when I’m making art and when I with myself or my girls or at work, I feel close to God. With him, there’s this- block.. I felt love and I felt anxiety and I didn’t know what to do. Shouldn’t I love him no matter what? I do. I love him no matter what. But I truthfully think that my guts are angels. I think they are God’s messengers, messengers of spirit and of the universe. Call it God, call it whatever you want. But I think rejecting one’s own deep and truthful feelings is like rejecting calls from God. Especially big feelings like that. I think your feelings are your guides toward where you belong, and you get where you belong by following what feels good and divine and right. Following my divine path, my Dharma, my purpose in life and being my best self, taking care of myself and my universe and my loved ones to the best of my abilities… these are my priorities in life. And I don’t want to force anything where it doesn’t fit. I want to flow with the universe and work with it, not against… so living in such duality with myself, literally at times feeling at war within my self was so exhausting! It was zapping all my energy! I was not feeling in flow or at peace. It felt like just cycles of high highs and low lows. I crave balance and stability and alignment and peace within myself… doesn’t everyone?
Alas, here I am now broken into Valentine’s Day and here I am writing about him. Is he something of the past I’m still trying to move on from or am I hoping one day for us to break open and surrender into God together? I don’t know. I just want to- I guess I just want to be here. I’ll be grateful no matter what happens. This journey through life has been such a beautiful one. And I’m lucky to have gotten so many times around the block to love him. I will be an old lady thinking about him fondly I just know it. His music. How he taught me how to REALLY eat, when I’d always thought I was pretty good at it. How he tore through the woods with that wild buck-like energy on those long hikes when I could barely keep up. How he always was accompanied by a lumbering lanky black dog who he could never control but who loved him boundlessly. He was something else. Something special. Whether he knew it or not. I’ll always love him, and I am lucky to have ever known him at all.
❤
Wisdom Spitball 