Oh dear God, I am in a little over my head. I frequently describe myself as a “Grandma” to people when I’m trying to figure things out on their tech device or mine, though I am thirty and have no children. I just feel almost illiterate now when it comes to technology. I don’t know how to start a blog and honestly, all spitball-ed and mapped-out attempts at writing anything even slightly resembling something formal have spent quality time steeped in self-doubt and in an unfinished state. But I just spent a hundred bucks on this access to this host site after quite a few long moments of deliberation. I spent more than that on food and groceries with my sister today so I can pretty easily justify it. Even if I never do anything with this… it’s okay. I will tell myself it’s worth the investment in myself and my voice. I guess I don’t really mind so much if these writings never get popular or make me money… I don’t feel that’s what this blog is about. What it’s about ultimately is you.
I’ve actually been thinking about writing a book, writing something, anything! I journal all the time, and I do arty things once in a while, and do consider myself an artist (as we all should) but I have never published anything. When ever I mull being a writer over in my head, a blog always pops up in my mind as a first stepping stone of getting myself out there.. I have so much to say! and I have so many doubts! Take for instance this book that I’m writing… it’s would-be contents dissipate as I try and hold in my mind the story, the meat of it. What do I want to write about? What is it that I really feel I have to say to you…? I don’t know. I don’t really know anything! I’m just me! Who am I to say you need any of what I have to offer?
…I know it’s important though, to me… and I desperately want to tell you… maybe I’m scared to put it all out there.
I don’t know. I don’t know if a book can sum it up. I knew I needed to write again when I went through something that was kind of traumatic for me to experience…. how selfish of me…. actually, it’s more like someone I know and love dearly went through something traumatic like an explosion of the self and I was witness to it… my world changed because of it.. and I was, a few times during this catastrophe, in the wake of the destruction. And so I felt like a victim I guess… I felt like it was so important for me to write down or record what had happened, it was such a big deal to me…. it changed me, it changed everything! Maybe it could help someone, maybe it could help me! More than just that event but all of the events of my life… they feel so big and transformative… they keep changing me… And I guess I felt like, at the same time, I both understood so much and also needed help and guidance and to connect with someone, anyone who had experienced the same as me…
Anyway, at several points in this journey I’ve told myself that I need to tell this story, that it is important for me to talk about… but is it? It’s not all the way my story… looking at it from other angles, I’ve learned that I am not a victim. I am not the victim of my life. And thinking about all the wild events I’ve experienced over these thirty years, be they happy, sad, catastrophic, devastating…. they were still for me. Sacred. The twists and turns and events of my life… the gut-wrenching emotions…. these experiences are some of the most powerful milestones of my life. They create the world and illuminate the path before me. They are the deep reds in the flowers before me I walk these lands. They are the rain and the jagged stones beneath my bare feet… and at their very worst I remind myself that they do not define me and they are by no means the full journey, or my full story…
I don’t want to take personally any heart-breaking events events. And I don’t want to lug them with me as grievances. I also don’t want to tell stories that aren’t mine to tell. I want to leave the past in the past, but these lessons I keep collecting are spilling out of my mouth and they need somewhere constructive to land. Here is me planting some seeds into the Earth. I never described myself as having a green thumb either… so if they never sprout, maybe I can just move forward with my head held high that I even tried.
I keep learning over and over again the value of the present moment. Here I am. I bought a domain for a blog. Hundred bucks, for a year I think. Poof. I don’t know if I’ll use this space or become more competent with this website and blogging in general. I don’t plan on… I guess anything. But this is worth a try. I still have something to say. I actually have a LOT to say. And the urge to write to you…. it keeps compelling me. I keep coming back to you it. You and me. And if you haven’t gotten any inklings that I feel deeply spiritual and like a sacredness about this, I DO… and I want to put it all out on the line. And if it freaks you out, I’m sorry. But I am writing this for you. To you. To us.
We are one.
You who stays. You he You who are here in this moment with me.. you are who this is for. And I’m trying to reach you.
I hope you stick around.
Wisdom Spitball 